Life had never changed as much as the day you came into our world……..

It happened 27 years ago; I became a mother-many remarked it is surely the ‘hardest job you’ll ever love’. This weekend Siena celebrates her birthday, we all do. It was the day where my heart ‘grew three sizes’ left my body and attached itself to her.

Each day we are surrounded by miracles, but it would be hard to find one as miraculous as the birth of a baby. After a hip-to-hip incision they handed me, my not so little, bundle of miracle and my life changed forever. After they cleaned us both up and put us in a proper room we exhaled and wondered, ‘what do we do now? My husband stood by quietly acknowledging this shift in our universe.

Siena was quiet for the first few days and then began to cry about all of the injustices in the world - the fact that Madonna wasn’t her mother, she didn’t have a room with an ocean view and that two nervous nellies had become her parents. She didn’t want to nurse, never took a bottle or a pacifier and practiced hourly lung expanding exercises. We begged the doctors and nurses not to make us leave the hospital-but they said we had to.

I remember vividly driving past pumpkins, corn fields and bright blue sky and pulling into our driveway with this most precious cargo, knowing that the heart of our house had suddenly expanded into a home- for three. All of those preparations- crib, tub, cradle, bassinette, diapers, onesies were about to get a workout. I’m not sure there has been a proper book written as to how to be a mother-how survive sleepless nights, wake up to this new role every morning-diapers, baths, meals, doctor appointments, school, homework, hurt feelings, worries, college applications. Twenty-seven years later I am still learning.

I had created this vision in my mind-a picture of my daughter and I-sitting contemplatively writing poetry, singing and strumming Joan Baez songs, hiking, biking, exploring nature-and though we share many interests we did not share the same vision and I was reminded about the age-old poetic wisdom of Kahlil Gibran:

    ‘Your children are not your children.
     They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
     They come through you but not from you,
     And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

     You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
     For they have their own thoughts.
     You may house their bodies but not their souls,
     For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your

dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you……..’

I continue to watch this soul emerge. She is strong and amazing and has taught me more about myself than I ever would have known. She pushes me toward the concealed portions of my being. She challenges me to see things through the eyes of an independent, resilient young woman dedicated to her beliefs and challenging the status quo and social norms of our day.

Siena also loves many of the things that I love-she sees beauty in the world around her and lives with a sense of awe and wonder-the golden light of early evening, the red of a maple turning toward fall, the expanse of the forever ocean. She can unearth the most beautiful words for a handwritten note and strings them together to fill your heart. She has a deep sense of justice for the world and isn’t afraid of standing up for her beliefs. She enjoys traveling the world while continuing to love her home. She is truly a dedicated and loyal friend who knows how to make people feel comfortable and welcome. These are the aspects of her being of which I am most proud.

The pandemic has offered us the time to be closer-jigsaw puzzles, game night, homemade pasta-but I know that these previously sprouted wings may once again take flight and life will then be sprinkled with occasional texts, sporadic phone calls and long-awaited visits. I will have to be prepared for a familiar loneliness that will take hold for I know that there is no greater love than this love that forever fills my heart.

Happy birthday to you, my dear Siena.

A Shift in Our Universe