A Broken Heart

It happened- my heart was broken-more than once I must say-but this last time found me in the hospital miraculously having it mended. The heart is often considered the center of our being, a spiritual energy center, in some traditions the portal to the divine, and for those who believe-the place where God speaks to us. And for whatever reason – be it physical, spiritual, emotional- recent tests showed that at least one of my arteries was more than ninety percent occluded. It was time to take action.

Surely, I thought I have lived a healthy life- walking, eating right, staying away from as many vices as possible- but still here I was. Could I have been better- sure, tried harder-sure, listened to the doctors sooner- absolutely – but I always thought this well-oiled machine would see me through. I didn’t have much say over my genetics, but what I could control – I tried to.

Maybe it was COVID- did I stop trying as hard when the world shut down? Maybe I just got lazy and gave in. Maybe my heart succumbed to my genetically high cholesterol. Or maybe I forgot to listen to my heart all along -to its song, its yearnings, the depth of its feelings. Whether it be grief, or longing, or worry, or stress – the heart is more than a mere vital organ- it is a vital communicator – an orator of our being.

I could feel it getting weaker – a flutter here and there- some pain in my back – a song I was forgetting to sing. My father had died at my very age- a massive heart attack in our driveway while pushing the boat back into our yard. It was the first day of scallop season and after hours of pulling heavy dredges his heart finally set its limits. I needed to get past this age – I needed to give myself a chance to mend and heal on every level.

And now a piece of wire mesh lets blood flow through – oddly (wo)man can fix a broken heart. And for me the take-away is- to listen- certainly to my doctors- but also listen to my heart. Be aware of both its strength and its fragility – understand that health is dependent on every element of our beings – face the struggles- unearth the grief, feel what you need to feel, but also lean into the joy, remember to do more of what you love – sing and dance and breathe in the miracle of life – become and reflect the person you are meant to be – called to be- chosen to be.

I am grateful for the prowess of my cardiologist and yet I wish that it was a procedure that I could have avoided. The wear and tear of life, the choices we’ve made, the hand that we’re delt can be reflected in each cell of our being. If I could start again with the knowledge I have today I imagine things would be or perhaps could be different. This vessel we embody when landing on earth comes with incredible potential- and yet it is impacted by each and every choice we make- it is resilient yet vulnerable -tough yet permeable. Let us each proceed with caution and some allusion of the unknown.

February is American Heart Month- I imagine it could be World Heart Month- it is one of the twelve months of the year that all of us should stop and listen to our hearts! 💕

‘The red heart-shaped traffic lights in Akureyri, Iceland were installed in 2008 to boost morale after a financial crisis. The hearts were part of a campaign called "Smile with Your Heart". The campaign was intended to encourage people to be kind to each other and to think about what matters most in life. The hearts were an instant success and helped to spread positivity and optimism throughout the community. The hearts are a reminder of the importance of love and hope, and of the need to focus on what really matters.’